it’s just too many things to be completed in a short period of time, and i almost dropped dead.
i can’t remembered how many times, i’ve wanted to die or just simply the thought of me dying. and being scolded by him on my negative thoughts and that he’ll be truly devastated if i were to die at this very moment. moreover the intention of killing myself was included. unless st. gabriel would take me away without me having to attempt suicide.
i was suicidal before, but my parents don’t really know the emotions and feelings i’ve inside. people may see that we are all doing pretty okay, a happy family and a group of people who can go hand in hand together.
however somehow, i feel like an outcast. that child, whom parents will always have the last choice or just another person who just stays in the house. practically the child who wasn’t meant to be.
but i’m not able to tell them how i feel, cause whenever i do, they would shoot me down and note that i’m just there seeking attention. therefore, i believe it’s best to keep things to myself. my thoughts are just not important and irrelevant to them.
i somehow managed i shut up to avoid conflicts and any further urges to kill myself.
this year, has been a turning year and all my emotions, feelings and thoughts somehow managed to come out after i met him. he changed my life. i used to cry alone, and i thought i was alright doing that but having someone to wipe away my tears, assuring me that i’ll be okay and he’ll hold my hand. it practically made me cried harder. but somewhat it make me feel better.
however, i still feel scared if someday i’ll wake up from this dream and the old nightmare will begin once again,,