that brother who went away..

I’m left speechless, without an utter of word to say. Passing days are making me weaker and wearing me thin. I’m left with the memories long ago, which I can never bring myself to overcome it. My faith is fading away, as the wind blows.

Life hasn’t been good since I first laid eyes on this planet we call earth.  People may think in the exterior manner, to see me as a happy carefree woman. All the smiles and laughter that one could ever dream off.  But what lies behind it, none would probably know and being acknowledged that fact seems to be like a taboo. They would assume and believe that the fact is actually fictional and it’s for the attention that one might seek in a long time.

Whatever it is, the fact is that life is harsh. I can’t deny that. We are chasing for everything and never look back to realize what are chasing after us instead, only to realize that when we fall back, or they’ll go the same phrase as us or worst when they stop the chase.

I made lots of mistakes now and then, I’m only human and I can never be perfect. I’ve lost so much throughout the years in my life. There’s nothing that I could ever do, to undo these mistakes. The actions I took face a consequence I’ll face in the future. The things I love, I want to love, love to be loved, need to love, the things I hate… etc. There’re one too many.

But there’s one particular mistake and past I can never can erase out of my mind. It was the most ever closest to what I can say a dream come true, but I wasn’t aware of the signs and took it for granted. I guess I was blinded, with all the things around me, as all of them seem rather similar. Now, I feel stupid about realizing that those acts, words and gestures were very meaningful and they’re what made me who I am today.

However, he’d beat farewell 10 months ago and still memories of him kept on playing in my mind. Moreover, it makes me need him back even more, but somehow I realized that he’ll not be there anymore. It’s like I praying for the dead to get back to life.

He was the third wheel, however he was there for me more than someone else who actually should.

To tell him now, it’s just too late, he’s moved on and I know it. Unfortunately, I’ve not. Its not that I didn’t do my part on moving on, but life is so unpredictable. Those I met either got the similar name, style, or worse almost look like him.. etc most of which will end me up in thinking back about him.

Well, he’s been the crying shoulder (I could cry about anything at all to him, even when those days when I just feel shitty), punching bag (I pinched him till he was blue-black), listening ear (he would listen anything, even those things I said were stupid), my supporter (no matter whatever I do, he would behind me to not give up), fashion stylist (we would advise each other on what looks good, and what we feel like getting), brother and friend. Frankly speaking he was almost there for every aspect I need.

He would practically know those times when I’m in need financially, emotiknally and mentally. Hence, thosd times when I just feed to breathe the air, and he left only with one stick, he would willing give to me.

There’re so many plus points which would end me as a materialistic bitch. Moreover, the things I owned could say, however, all of these things are worth all the sweat I made.

Well, but there was the imperfect human being with the endless flaws that one would try to hide all their lives. The past he had went through, was unpredictable and unexpected, no one would ever knew that he went through it before. However, he was proud of these flaws and was embracing each and every moment of it. He made the imperfections perfect, embraces flaws to greater strength.

He was my pillar of the brother I never had ever since we met. He made me felt whole, by just being there even at times just as a shadow. Unfortunately, the pillar shattered into millions. I tried to find the pieces, but eventually they are nowhere to be found, as they vanished into thin air.

The moments with him were, unpredictable. There were some unexpected, weird, exciting and also awkward. The tapes in my mind are being played on reruns, making each memory happened like yesterday.

The time, when there were 3 of the same names working together, and I had to give each one different name. He picked his, it made him sound like a little kid, somehow it matches well. Those random questions, he asked, those answers he gave me and the list goes on. I could still recall those times when he sang and danced with them in front of me, somehow trying to be the best and impress.

One of the few incidents which I can never forget, that day when he gave me cold shoulder an hour before he ended work. Well, he went out to deliver the orders, while I waited for my dough runner partner to come. Like usual, we were being cheeky while running dough, laughing and stuffs. He came in, and gave me that cold look, surprisingly not only to me but the whole outlet. I felt somewhat of guilt, that I seek for accompany from he to have some air, even though I could ask my partner, I didn’t. Well, I realized in those eyes he was actually jealous.

I remembered when it was his birthday, how bad he wanted me to stay after I wished him, he’s eyes speaks even though he didn’t utter a word. I wished I had, and probably saved him from the mess. At times, I can never be there to celebrate times of joys and hardship with people who we care about, cause we are individuals with our own lives.

He never fails to put words that were which are pathetic, but these pathetic words somehow made me realized the truth of life. It thought me more in accepting the flaws, but also embrace it in such a precision way which lead me in understanding, respecting all the things in life, but not life after 22nd February 2008.

There was a few times, when I needed fresh air and I didn’t have any nor I had enough to buy a pack. Whereas, he was left with just one stick, and I knew he too. He asked me to accompany him, but I was reluctant, however he still insisted that we shared. He lighted and took a few puffs, and gave it to me, telling me to finish it up.

At times, when we were running low of cash, he found ways and means to get us money. Sometimes, I just wonder how he knew. Even though it was the wrong way.

He never failed to notice something new, if I were to cut my hair, wear a new pair of shoe or just having my nails painted. His compliments were genuinely sincere, cause those eyes shine when he told me all the things.

There was once, when we were chatting outside talking about random stuffs, and suddenly the topic on shoes. I was wearing a pair of shoes which was torn and pretty worn out. Well, it was comfy, and I just wanted to make it even worst before I get a new pair. He offered me, his shoes which were still in very good condition, while he went back home only with his socks on.

During moments when my moods weren’t running straight, he’ll there to let me out my anger. At times, they left him bruises which were physically painful, hence being there for days.

There were times, when I just feel randomly depressed about things in life or just having my gloomy days, he would crack up some pathetic lame joke, which insisted on making me at least grin. Some of these words still stuck in my head.

When I left, to find peace and probably beat my farewell to move on. Surprisingly, he searched for me and came by just for a simple conversation. He could actually just text me or gave me a call, for a chat but he took the effort to travel so far, just to meet up with me. Somehow, he filled up the feeling of lost and insecure when I went away. We sat and talked, like would always do, but somehow silence filled the air. In that moment, many things were running through my mind. But when I looked into each your eyes, I saw the shine which had long time ago.

The door which I left shut and locked for a long time, was unlocked by him without me realizing that he left it ajar ever since he came by.

But he made me felt that moving on wasn’t a good idea, and so I returned to where I used to be. Where the endless fun and adventures of random drama would never end.

There aren’t just good times with him, but also times when I had very stupid argument that made me realized that he was after all, someone who understands, respects, forgiving, someone who is very patience and most of all someone who accepts me for who I am.

Times when he disappoint me, with lies which tried to make me unaffected, but somehow I was able to see his lies. Upon knowing that, he would never failed to make up for each and everyone of his mistakes, the small and the big.

We did our 2009, new year resolutions some of which were rather impossible to achieve, however there were some we know that we made for the sake of making. I knew mine was a total crap, but still you wished me all the best.

I’m able to say that I’m dumb to read the signs are in front of me, even though people around me said it verbally, I didn’t take his actions into the heart because to me there’s already someone else. I took it as a gesture of being a very good friend and a brother, who has been there for me whenever I need him, in whatever way it is.

Yet, I could take my opened heart to someone else, not knowingly it shattered him would into pieces. I had countless people coming in and out, and just passing by, but he never showed deep emotions like he did on the last one, 10 days before he left.

Somehow on that 12th February 2009, it was the most heartfelt day that I ever had throughout the years in my life. Nonetheless, the day my heart got broken but also the day when I got the pieces back together into place.

He stayed by my side, and wanted me to let out all my depression, frustration of emotions. He badly, wanted to see me cry it out, but with egoism sitting on my head I kept it all inside hoping that nothing more worst could happen soon. He tried to mitigate my emotions.

After that day, I thought that somehow I could show him appreciation of all the care that he had given to me all these while. Maybe sooner or later, I would tell him and show him that I do care for him too, like he did for me.

I was wrong, 10 days after an argument occurred and it felt me in a dilemma of standing up against justice. I did it, as he was there for me and that was the time I could probably repay back all those things. However, it wasn’t against my option. The main point was I didn’t want to lose him, with or without him having to have sentence.

I thought saving him that very day, would make him stay. Yet, I was wrong again he left forever after he gave his statement.

He bet his farewell, with his eyes filled of disappointment. I felt it till deep within the heart, that it was an incident which would be the last of everything. I had all random emotions that I couldn’t bring myself up to put up with. I felt sad, cause he disappoint me in someway or another. Afraid, terrified of knowing that I was going to lose him in some way or another.

Frankly speaking, I wasn’t in the right state of mind. My whole body was shaking, in fear, sadness and anger. All things were jumbled up. There weren’t any map, compass or way of direction for me to go to set things in my mind straight.

I sat the backyard, leaving the door opened, hoping to hold him probably the last time. Unfortunately, I was being blinded by the darkness I had invaded in my mind. It was the last of him I’ve seen ever since.

It makes me wonder, why he disappears and where he went. His disappearance made me felt the hunger of the attention that I had along when he was there.

Expect the unexpected; I was out with my friends when I bumped onto two of his buddies. Well, I can’t help it but asked about him. I uas pretty s`ocked when one of them told me not to looK for yoe anymore, in a harsh manner and Isaw in his eyes that he was not pleased when I asked him that. The other friend, he told me that he was not anywhere to be found, they tried to contact him but failed. That somehow, made the first friend mad.

I realized that he was there all these while, but I didn’t took concerned of it. I took it for granted.

There was once, when the whole rider gang team up for a photo shoots. I wanted the whole range of bikes, and also meet him and probably tell him things that I should have told him a long time ago. Somehow he didn’t turned up nor replied my messages or pick up calls which were made by the other riders. It keeps me wondering, why didn’t even he at least replied or answer their calls, when they are his friends who he would hangout every other Friday with before he left.

It even pains my heart, when I realized that he deleted one of the ways and means of me trying to get to him, or show him what I was missing. Then I knew that, he didn’t want to care at all.

At times, when I went online to view pictures and stuffs, I bumped into his. Well, somehow I can no longer see the shine and the sparkle from within which used to glow out of him. Hence, I felt something was missing from him.

Every time, I pray for his comeback but at times I pray that I never have met him. Its contradicting to be true, in a way I could probably be happy. To have his comeback, would only take a miracle and a dream come true. Hoping for something is dead to come back to life would never happen.

Even though that moment we met was unexpected, I was surprised to see that he stick on to the same hairstyle which I asked him to. I saw his eyes shine that very moment, the shine which was present in the past times. Somehow I knew he wanted to go on for long, but I realized that the longer I spent, I will reflect back to the things that had happen, and soon make me feel hurt again.

People may say that my ego is the source to these things I’m facing, but then again I don’t want to be one sided. I don’t want to have false hopes, which will shatter into pieces and eventually will lead me to been in a much more worse case then this.

Till today, I pray for at least a comeback in time. Its not that, I didn’t try to move on, but it’s just that it’s hard to adapt when the new people I meet somehow reflect back to him. Its not that I meet these people once in a while, but almost everyday in my life.

I pray for his save journey in life, may he’ll find the happiness and the meaning of which I’ve found once upon my lifetime with him around to guide me.

I hope that he’s able to understand me in keeping all my feelings deep inside and not tell him, as he never fail to understand and accept me in everyway.


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