im freaking confuse, feeling so pathetic and i just dont know what to do. i feel so sucky now, i dont wish to be the person like i used before. this all freaks me out..

cut myself to see how much it bleeds, the pain makes me realized that im still alive.

i was barely hanging, but i needed ask for help. you came and thought me  how to stand by myself. you held my hand and prove me the meaning of living is worthy after all.

but i left, i wanted to try my best by myself and not to depend on anyone except myself. its ashamed to me that i have so many problems and they are never solved and it just keep multiplying. domestically, emotionally, mentally and stuffs.

my passion is never being bless from the ones i respect, and i thought of doing what they want me to do now even though  i have no such interest in it, it still never makes me be to be accepted. i really dont know what to do anymore.

im sick of lying to myself that im okay, im sick of wearing that mask! i cant bare with the pain i have deep inside me somehow it have to explode, i kept it for so long!

well, when i left you brought me back. then i realized that you were someone i should held on. it was not once but twice..

so when you left, i waited and for your return. 7 months past, and there were no signs. so i realized that i have to let go of you on not to hold on to the rope you gave to me. it was a safety line.

then i was just left with harness and my running rope, no safety line. i learned so hard not to fall back, it literally took me 1 freaking year!

then we met again, and you threw that safety line again and i had no choice but tie myself to it again..

then there were silence..

the safety line was left there hanging, no tension given when i was on the steep slope. again i realized, then i make the last call, knowing that holding on is pointless..

then today, i saw your freaking bike today in the car park. somehow my gut feeling said that you were there. being such an idiot to go to the car park and check the defects i saw it! i saw it! freak i felt so idiot!!

if you wanna runaway from me, why didnt you run faraway! why you have to work in the same building as i do, even though my office is right at the other end of the building, faggot! isnt there any other outlet to work at?

im working under the operations of the building, you are working with one of the tenants units. wth! its like my premises, and you know im gonna be there in that building, but still!!

arr!! i so wanna forget you, but my heart doesnt and my head cant!

i so wanna scream!

its so easy to say to ignore, but know that he’s in the building just pains my heart even more!

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