its been days since i last wrote, well lots of this have happened after night incident of which we went out to talk it out for that moment and probably spent some kind of quality time. well, till today im still questioning myself regarding what i did..
on saturday the next day, i spilled out to Vee. frankly speaking i was looking for Hoggy, but he wasnt around as he was on off. well, since Vee is already there, then i guess i’ll talk it out with Vee then. Vee listened it out. amazingly this time, he kept quiet and didnt tell me anything that i didnt want to hear..
but still, it just isnt enough cause my whole life story have been shared to Hoggy, and Hoggy know it pretty well. kadush! that night he sat by me, just listening all my crappy stuffs, how i felt and stuffs. well, he was there when i really needed help..
then again, i cant forget Vee for being there.
and Jazz, who have been there. i know he’s there but knowing that he himself have to deal with issues of which his heart can barely handle, i just cant help myself but not to let it all out to him. well, seeing him smoke the cigarette on that sunday night really just freaks me out. he have never smoke in front of me, but being in a very tough situation and where the heart is the most painful organ at the moment. i understand..
I was supposed to have someone by my side, but I hell don’t know where he is. And I only got my friends to talk to. The one who was supposed to comfort me, went missing. I didn’t ask him for alot, just be there when I needed him to be in moments like these..
i went on off that Sunday, i went out to think and recover my acts and deeds of mistakes i probably have done. sigh! Monday was out to school, and Tuesday, i skipped for more thinking to do..
Wednesday we meet up again. this time we bumped! okay whatever, he wanted to kill the air, and i wanted to waste time. we talked and stuffs. he said he missed the old times, and i really missed it to, but i know what i have to leave things in the past at times..
i didnt know why i asked him if he wanted me to wait for him to end work, and probably go home together. sigh! what the hell i was thinking!
we took the train, and i caught him staring at me, like he used to. in those eyes i saw things, which still kept me wondering. does he still have feelings for me? well, im confuse..
frankly speaking, im confuse of the feelings i have for him. cause there was a past with us, and he made me damn special. all i need from him was a brother and a friend, and probably nothing more, i just want our relationship with each other be like what it used to be when we were still working together..
ive to say this he did made me felt special for that moment of time and i felt that i was being safe. but then again, Hoggy thought me how to save myself.
the next day, i kindda went over his place and met up with his mum and his mum gave me that kindda stare. to get my stuffs, that was left there years ago..
she look at me, like from head to toe and grin. it was the past, not the present or the future..
i just wonder, people say if he left it simply means that he’s not meant to be, but if he comes back we are meant to be, then again im not expecting him more than a friendship at this point of time. there are so many more things for me to achieve in life..
but i dont want to miss out on the thing that would make me happy for the rest of my life.
if he wishes to leave in the future, i want him to leave now before my confusion ends and my feelings starts to grow again. of he’s staying, i wanna him to stay for good..