the fasting month is over and same goes to the visiting and the stupid conversation with those people which never fail to ask me where’s my partner or when am i getting married, or those other stupid pathetic remarks..

my mistake, when he wanted to get engaged i pushed the date behind. at the end of the day i know, that it will just be a title for us. will you really act like we are engaged?

i seriously didnt bother to celebrate much, all i cared about my exams, that was in the festive season..

my heart just didnt feel like i can celebrate or enjoy eid like it used to be, its not that i’ve lose any close family member but its just that as i grow older i got sick of it..

eid loses its meaning as the years goes, there’s nothing to look forward to..

i miss those days, when i need not to worry of anything at all, now im in the worry box 24/7, barely there’s anything that can keep me calm even cigarette dont really, i need 2 or 3 at a shot. i need caffeine and the blast of extreme music..

im worrying about everything. seriously life here seems to be really suck! im seriously sick of trying to get their blessing, it seriously sucks big time..

having to work full-time, and going back to school for part-time and studying nuts. Being thought things i never wanted to learn ever, but i was seeking for a blessing and wanting them to be proud of me. but no point, at the end they say what ive done all these while is not enough..

seriously, i seriously never thought or even wanted to step my mind on engineering or even IT, all those geeky freaky stuffs wasnt just me. i didnt dream of being steve jobs or bill gates, or a programmer or work in the IT line..

At 17 I set my mind of being a Graphic Designer or an Illustrator. I wanted to study Visual Communication! and i wanted to explore my creativity but it all when down the freaking drain!

I wasnt supported to continue my studies to NAFA or LASELLE after my O’Levels. seriously while the 4 months of me waiting for my results, I did paintings after painting, drawing after another, to fill my portfolio for the interview. I when on applying it by myself, i wasnt even given support.

At the end when I got dates for an interview in both Institute, you came up to me that being a designer is a risk, and you will have competition with your creativity and that you are not supporting me and that I should go on to other courses but not designing..

Serious shit! its less than a month and all the poly will be open, and checking out the courses i wanted they are full or they are just what i wanted..

with no choices left, I when on to ITE and tried after a week the new semester has begin. got into product design, which made me smile a till i graduated..

after graduation i tried to applied for jobs related to designing, but again was questioned on my intentions.. it was the last choice, i joined the forces which i served for 2 years, i lost my talents then i stopped drawing and i was crushed that my portfolio was thrown away. i was seriously feeling shitty, all the effort i put on it, all my hardwork, my masterpieces was being thrown away just like that without even consulting me.

i was planning to continue back to my path on my passion after the 2 years by my own, as i work very hard for it.. but no it didnt happen..

after 2 years, i had to call it quits to the job and i wanted to get back to school very badly and upon being pushed to to be an engineer too much. i tried out informatics engineering, i know i wont be an easy process but i guess i have to start somewhere to gain their love back.

seriously at that moment i had nothing to lean on, i left everything behind trying to make them proud and fulfill their wants from me and moreover leaving my passion, heart and soul. i left people who were there for me, eventhough they were so wrong for me, they were there for me and except me for me moreover they supported me in my passion i had to leave them cause you wanted me too..

i cant say much as you brought me to the world, and i cant bare to let you down. impressing you are so important that i failed myself if i didnt get the blessing.

now i end up working in a school doing shit work, the stupidest people in the world and the shitty people ever. my tolerance level has decrease so drastically. i just feel like to quit my job, but it would then make you mad..

tolerating work is like shit! seriously, i hate my job! so much work and im being paid peanuts, i have to work at another place on weekends and public holidays just to survive, i want to quit but i have no other choice cause i dont want that cycle to go on again..

my heart seriously sank when a student came up to me and wanted me to show her how to draw in an event which my boss wanted the team to help out in (but the credits was all hers in the end). my talents on drawing were gone, i seriously forgot how to draw a simple human face! i was seriously devastated! i feel so ashamed of myself. its like my life has no meaning anymore, i got the feeling to end my life that great instant.

inside i was crying, i was on the edge of breaking down..  but i guess i put up enough guts not to let it out. ive been alone too long that i learnt that i need to mend myself together back.

having just 1 more year to complete my studies, i planned so many things.. deep inside i wish to get back to my passion, but i know i cant..

i wanna run away, super far away and start a new life.. but im not willing to gamble with my years anymore, im getting older and not younger, and ive keep my life straight..

thought of being an educator, i know its gonna be hard but noone said it was gonna be easy..

thought of joining qatar, leading me to be paid for going far away.. well, qatar i did applied for it before but you was against it and i didnt show up for the interview.. well, now i guess its not a choice anymore after i graduate..

it breaks my heart when all you just say that i never listen to you, and that i couldnt think for the future and all i do is wrong and its always never enough..

seriously im always trying my best to impress you, make you proud and seek everything with your blessing..

seriously, u want to wanted me to plan a family with someone who i dont really know. eventhough i know him all my life, but just that we dont click.

i really cant bare with the pressure that you put on for my whole life.

im tired! i want to do things that i want to do, the things i have my passion, heart and soul on it..

i dont know who i am anymore…

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