who am i?

the urge to slit my wrist to see the blood oozing out and the sharp pain when the blade slice through the veins, is there..

the urge to just pack my bag and leave and never to come back is there..

the urge to breakdown and cry really hard is there..

the urge just to get drunk and get wasted is there..

i tried really hard, and and don’t know what else i should do anymore..

i am just seriously sick of everything, i can’t even stretch my legs on my off days. i am seriously worn out.. i just can’t take it anymore, this is never the life is though i would be living, but it is since its all reality.

somehow i wish and hope, someone or something that would happen then would take me away, faraway from all of these.

i am sick of being 7 day per week, 15 hours a day spent on squeezing my brain cells, 2 hours to do daily re-cap of my work and re-touching of projects and probably 4-5 hours of sleep left only and the rest are for traveling to work. sigh!

so much for trying to change my health style, when all the fruits i bought, are gone the next minute i want to eat it. there goes, the food.. spending half of what i earn, for the things that i don’t even take into my daily life. sigh!

my legs are damn breaking me!

at times being with friends couldn’t be just right.

sigh! even though i know him for 6-7 years, those words he said to me the other day just hurt me deeply, on top of that having a fucking shitty day and having him to blast to me just wasn’t right. seriously, i’ve kept so freaking quiet these years, but think it just my breaking point. i didn’t wanted to break him, or tear him apart, but im sick of being the ‘punching bag’, the girl who hears his stories, from him being fucked up and fucking. its not that im asking much but as i should say, i can only take so much of his shit. its fine if he just buzz me whenever he like. our relation is like touch and go, we touch when we need to and we go when we are done. he then leave me again, and again.. but he said to others around that we are meant to be and i hold on to your word.

seriously, it dread me to meet up with him, my heart have gotten heavy since those remarks he made. yeah! i may laugh at his jokes, give in to him, and try to take care of his heart, but i am not able to tolerate the shit i’ve taken all these while..

frankly speaking, i feel that he is using me. i just wish it to be this or that, a true friend or the end. i know we are like back-up plan for each other. however i just find it pointless. even though i feel comfortable with him.

we are unpredictable, and i believe that this back-up plan won’t work cause i know it just not right. we just don’t fit in each other’s cup.

i don’t need a guy who throws his mood just to show how tough he is.

i just need someone who can make me laugh.

i have might found someone, who makes me laugh and probably be the one who will take me faraway…

however no expectations…


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