i’ve been feeling numb, unaware of how to react to what i truly feel inside. i guess i’ve lost someone, the last post about me losing Han is true afterall. I guess nothing last forever. I just was not able to be what the ought me to. I just have to suck it all up and move on. Even my friendship with Phy and Sas that lasted 10years.
I’m just living my life with the motion, so wake up go to work next head to gym and back home. Seriously even at home I no longer feel at home, its just seems like a dorm. I feel like an outsider at my own home with the people who are my family. Im still pretty sad how pathetic my birthday celebration when, like I wasn’t to be born.
I have to quit part-time job cause being there just hurt me more. Frankly speaking, I miss the old boys who worked there once upon a time, those brother that cared for me and believed in me like noone ever did, even my parents didnt believe and trust me in they way they do.
We used to have each others back, emotionally, mentally, physically and also financially. I was glad that I did have them as my brothers once.
Now, the new boys there are like a bunch of jerks. At times, I just feel like slapping their faces. They at times say hurtful, pathetic, stupid and words which can literally pierce your heart eventhough it was not intentional. I can no longer bare to have another day without having my ears to turn red, I just have to quit.
It was supposed to me my refuge from life at home and the office. A place where I could actually stretch my legs and take off the load of my shoulders. But i was wrong. It weakens my heart and soul, and left me more broken inside.
I realized that so many of my dreams are broken and gone, to make new ones I have no passion left. I’m a soulless body left to die. I try to put myself together, once it found courage someone never fail to make me fall again. If noone were to stop and discourage me of following my dreams, I would a
ready have my masters in Arts and Science and probably have my own photography line, earning up to 5K every month. But no, I had no blessing, no support at all and lead me to take a Diploma in Engineering which I know no shit off and no passion, at the end of the day got totally disappointed cause I failed.
Now, barely earning 1.5K with a pathetic job which I treats me like a dog. Position as Admin Assistant, but I’m a Personal Assistant, Receptionist, Runner, Designer, Technical Assistant, First-Aid, Audit Controller. Fuck! I just have to suck it up cause I need to pay my bills.
And so, I wanted to break the cycle slowly but surely. Thought of trying out Crossfit and probably take my Level 1 in Australia next year and Crossfit Kids the year after that. If there’s a chance for me to work with Crossfit Media, I would like to be in the Photography Team.
Then the family wants to plan a vacation, and I say I can’t (whatever my expenses are for the vacation, will be from my own pocket. Eventhough its a family vacation. No sharing, but I have come out with the extras incase they when out of budget for it.) They got to know my plan, and began to make fun and told me off.
I seriously don’t know what to feel anymore. Be sad cause my own family don’t even support my dreams. Be mad, cause I’m still very much alive. Frankly speaking, I’ve lost faith a long time ago and at times I doubted my beliefs.
But whatever it is I guess I just have to go where nobody knows me and my story. I want to start a new, and most probably not come back here. Moreover, likely to end up dying in someone else’s land and not my homeland…
I have to do the Level 1 with or without their blessings..