losing my mind..

And so… everyone in the office have left for the  day except for me, something is just pushing and pulling me at the same time. 

It will be almost a month, since Neko left and I still feel for him. 

Things have been way too up and way too down. Upwards is that I’m growing physically stronger, I can lift heavier now and I’m pushing my stamina even way further than I thought I could. Crossfit have taught me to endure and push forward.

However, things at work are rather pathetic. There are moments when I just wanna take my bag and just leave the office and not come back, or just sit on my desk and cry. Whatever it is, somehow I’ve learnt to suck it up and go through all the shit that its here and elsewhere. 

Things at home never did change at at, if you want something go and get it yourself noone else is gonna do it for you even though you are family. Well, its just written on papers, and the bloodlines, but the heart feel nothing. There’s no meaning to it at all. 

I tried to keep myself content with things I enjoy doing, random crazy WODs in my room, eating my meals in bed, brainstorming designs in my room. Frankly speaking, I’m shutting myself from everything which have made my heartbroken. 

Its been awhile since I went out with people, who I call friends. My phone will be turned to Do Not Disturb mood once I reached my room. I don’t blame them for leaving me, I blame myself for trusting too hard and believing so strongly on them that I wouldn’t be like what I’m now. 

Lets face reality, that everyone is busy with work or whatever they have on hand. People are getting engaged, married and pregnant. And I’m busy with work, my brainstorming crap, movie marathons, meal preps, my training, and figuring myself up and the list might as well keep going on and on.. 

At times I do feel that I’m drifting away, in a good way where nothing is anchoring me down or in a bad way nothing is there for me to hold on. It does sounds contradicting, whatever the outcome it is life gotta move on no matter if I want it or not..

It is half passed six, everything seems to be so empty. I have to leave, before my mind leaves me..  

 

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