feeling empty, lonely and dark. i just have to pick myself up, there is noone else that is here to hold on to my cold hands, just gotta rub both of my hands together.
i’ve to leave my part-time job, which helps me to pay my monthly crossfit fees cause things just not what they used to be. i seriously miss the old ones, now its a bunch of douche bags, being self-centred and basically hurting people. some still have the guts to borrow money and never did return them.. for me, i assume if i were to help someone in need, maybe someday they could probably return the favor. i was wrong, they’ll just bite you back like wild dogs and leaving you wounded.. it was afterall somewhere someplace which i used to feel like home, friends were like siblings and friday night was late night when we would watch the stars. now its just different..
frankly speaking, im shutting the doors and windows. im letting go of most of my hopes which i’ve been holding on too long. i just wanna find myself, i want my inner peace. i’ve been so busy trying to make people happy and proud and simply just to accept me and for that i was willing to do anything. unfortunately, im the one getting hurt, lost and broken.
at times the old me would tell myself to seek answers with the blades i used to play with. i’m ashamed with what i used to be, but the pain and blood from the cutting did made me felt alive. i did take prescribed drugs, and smoked hell alot.. somehow i still empty..
however i did say that crossfit changed my life, yes it did made me stronger and endure the physical pain that i suffer. i’ve always tell myself and try my best to be unbroken in a wod, however deep inside im broken..
i’m trying to seek the answer and make myself understand. however pieces deep inside me is shattering day by day, and probably i do not have much time left. i’m afraid that i’ll start bleeding just to try to remind myself..