Halloween is the day when most people would dress up and wear masks and for once be someone or something else. well, my mask came off on this night. i could say that my true emotions came out and off guard. i have always been that person who most will say emotionless bitch, no one who could possibly have seen me crying. this halloween, i took off my mask and showed the world what that is left off me…
i lost my one and only grandfather, was there to see, feel his last breath. i never thought he would leave me so fast. i feel helpless, hopeless and couldnt even get up on my feet or bare to see him being taken by the paramedic. at 2045hrs, even though it was chaos, i felt the silence and i know that he left us forever. frankly speaking, im still not over his death.
i was not able hold back my tears, of sorrows and anger all in one. every single emotion that i kept deep inside surface out that very night. my family members, never did saw me in any state of my true feelings, i can say that they was not sure of what to do. my cousins tried to console me, somehow thinking that i’ll breakdown even more or i would turn out violent. at the end of the day, i just took myself away from everyone else and tried to find my peace by doing a wod, with another cousin who tagged in my grandfather’s bedroom. I did Cindy, and he did his random bodybuilder stuff.
seriously speaking till today, i still feel that my grandfather is still alive and kicking. but somehow only to realized that i was there on his deathbed, it somehow stills pains me.
the afternoon of his passing, i’ve vowed myself to participate in any kind of cancer fighting event, like barbell for boobs or crush cancer challenge (unfortunately they are not held in singapore, and the only thing i can probably do is that support their cause by buying products or donating; maybe someday i’ll go there). as he was suffering from cancer, unfortunately my late paternal grandfather also passed on due to cancer when i was 5. and now 20 years later my maternal grandfather. i will like to honor them in supporting these causes which are whatever ways fighting cancer.
im disappointed to say i’ve not been attending the box for 3 weeks, this is the longest i’ve skipped the box and seriously i feel shitty. no matter what it is, i’ve to go to the box this weekend and give it all out, and i know my endurance level have decreased. however, im glad to say that i’ve been taking care of my diet and still eating it right.
how could the start of november be much worse, with the passing of my grandfather, not going to the box for weeks, there are still tons of work; im still stuck in office now and its already 2005hrs. plus it is his birthday.. i feel kindda devastated being forgotten just in a blink of an eye. it even hurts me more, seeing people who i learn to acknowledged because of him.
sitting on desk, probably only leaving the office at 2100hrs. maybe this is my piece of peace before the weekend comes and when my coach ask me to do some freaking wod and i want to give it all out, im not sure what the outcome will be.
somehow when i let myself out on that halloween night, a part of my change and somehow i feel much more empty than i ever were was, lonelier than i ever thought i would be..
maybe when the november ends…