i’m drowning..

sometimes you just have to shut up, and walk away. people will never stop trying to break your heart and hurt your feelings. you turned out to being the rag doll, pushed around everywhere.

i never did get my head around on understanding why i put up with being hurt over and over again. moreover, they know it hurt me, they never stop their action however kept on doing it over and over again. i’m tired of repeating myself like a voice recorder being played on repeat.

somehow, i’ve learn to master the skill of shut up, shut the door and shut the mind. i’ve realized that people who truly know you will always push your limit, on how much more you can tolerate them, till when your bomb will trigger and explode. moreover, you won’t explode because you know that you’ve nowhere else except here with them. therefore, you’ve gotta tolerate with every shit they put you in.

i tried to stay calm and be the best i can to avoid any fights, it cause me to have a war in my mind which no one understand. there’s a darkness that always lurks between the light, and it never fails to break me from within.

the battle that i fight everyday, is deep within me. i don’t always win, or do i always lose.

nobody wants to lose, but we are not always that strong to fight a war on our own. it’s barely impossible to even get a knight to swipe off the enemies, because it’s your own battle. no one is gonna save you, if you are not able to save yourself.

i used to let the blood flow out of the veins, and let the pain out. seeing the blood oozing out from broken vein, that sharp twitch on the open wound. the pain leaves the heart and mind, as soon as you see the blood flow down your hands. you stare at it, till the blood get darker and the trail of blood dried up on your pale skin. you wipe tears, like you’re wiping the pain. but the truth is that the pain never did really leaves

i used to burn, burn and let the lungs cry for help. the air filled with smoke and eyes get watery. even though, there’re people around burning as well, but somehow deep inside you still feel lonely. and you never stop burning, as it somewhat gave you a meaning to share the loneliness with the others who are feeling lost around you.

i used to dance with led lights, and let my mind take me somewhere else. making myself light, and heavy at the same time. holding hands with people who are trying to escape the world. yes, we did went higher than the clouds, but when we fell, we fell hard to the ground. till today one of them is stuck in the shadows, behind the walls of earth. only time will let him out. we miss him..

the endless battles, war and fight is from deep within until the day i could find peace and harmony, i will continue to be strong till someday if i get i to see the light at the end of the tunnel i might be calm one like i was. hopefully i’ll be there to see the joy and happiness that was once in my life, and put back a smile in my heart. before i weathers and the darkness and cold feed on me.


just another day..


Its been awhile, the load is getting heavier for the ATF 2015 Throwdown. Its my first Crossfit Competition in the Open, and its being all paid for from my coach. I would like to thank her, on helping me to push my limits and Asyraf for believing me that I can. Thanks to my Wrestler, for helping me to train up for it and every kiss after every workout done made me want to do better. Thanks¬†to my WOD partner, for making me push myself to be a better person, and not the person I wanna to be, and take chances and not to put excuses. When there’s a will, there’s a way. Even if you’re sick, there’s no reason for you to stop doing crossfit. You just have to drop the level of intensity lower.

I’m weeks out from the challenge, and I’m confident enough that I’m able to do them. Therefore, I’m doing my best to be best and the top view.

Besides being busy from Monday to Sunday, can literally kill me. For all that’s worth, it will pay back big time soon! Hopefully, the tension will gradually decrease after the Throwdown, which is also after the Wrestling matches. However, I would not stop the training as I need to be prepare for whatever throwdown there will be in the future.

I’m glad and blessed that I’ve someone who is able to coach me, push up higher, make me work harder and hold my hands at the same time.

I can’t deny that have fallen deeply to him, that it made me pull down all the walls I ever have. I’m baring it all to him, cause I feel that its the best for me. Here, there are no games, no hinting but just straight forwardness. I like how generally insane I can be towards him, and how he can be towards me.

We will see rainbows, while we are holding hands..

this too shall pass….


its been mentally draining these couple of days, and the coming weeks too. i’m fighting a battle that no one knows about, and its killing me day by day.

the feeling of dropping everything on the floor, run and never come back flashes into my mind as a very good idea. however, it might be temporary, cause the tendency of me repeating the process again is very high. its time for me to take a chance and twist abit.

maybe this phase of being pushed with loads of crap will pass soon. however, there are so many countless time when i just wanna breakdown and cry on my own desk just by looking at the emails, texts and work load on my desk. its heartbreaking.

i used to worked too much, till i don’t even know what time it was, and eventually got kicked out of the office for staying in too late.

there were things that i could have done differently in the past, that would have probably have made me move easily. however, i choose to take the road less taken, and take my chances in everything.

moreover, i do not regret the path i have chosen, as it is what i thought was right at that point of time.

somehow, i am pretty happy with where i am right now. it could have been worst, but i guess hard work pays off.

yet somehow, i still question myself what is my job scope, and what is my pay cheque?



Dear Wrestler,

When I met you, it didn’t cross my mind that you’ll mean this much to me but you did.

Thanks for everything. You have given me hope when I’ve lost everything, my dreams, my will and my strength to carry on. I’ve been wearing on too many masks all these while telling myself that I’ll be okay and I’ll be fine, probably things will be alright someday. Moreover, in reality I know that I will not.

You might not be my first love, but you’re the first one ever who makes me feel that I’m truly loved. Frankly speaking, I’ve never felt this before. Life has been hard and love was a ghost before you came.

I’ve been cheated, played, put in the dark and left in the cold for way too long from what I can remember. Easy to say I barely have the faith that someone is out there for me. Someone who love and accept me for who I am, see the light in me, and someone to share my everything with, my hopes and dreams.

The thought of you leaving or cheating on me kills me and it seriously freaks me out.

I feel safe, I feel home in your arms. I have always wished I can hug you longer and every single day. Somehow, those hugs make assured me that everything will be alright. I love those hugs from behind up the escalators. I love the hugs, when I want to let go but you’ll hug tighter.

I love when I can be myself when I’m with you and I need not be someone I’m not. I can always do my random crazy accent, and you can laugh about it. I can tell you what my dirty mind was thinking, and you never judge me.

You tell me before that you are happy; you got someone to talk too, someone to share things with and someone to do things with. You said you are lucky to have me. Well, I am too…

Wrestler, you have given me back my hope, dreams and will power to change for the good to be what I wanted to be. To chase the dream which was far long gone…

And I want this to be forever and never want this to end.

I love you…

it hurt me..


you believed that it was luck that brought us together, and i thought it so too.

you are something that i was looking for, that someone that takes into an everlasting adventures and made me felt whole again.

at this moment i started to doubt where i’ll be, where i’m actually standing.

frankly its not the place i wish i was in, to have to doubt this relationship.

for once i want to be happy emotionally and mentally and not be hurt in any way at all.

i still want to feel grounded even though i’m flying the skies.

he is a rare gem, and i’m afraid to lose him therefore i’m afraid to hold him in my heart. i’m tired of being cheated and broken in every other way.

eventhough he is my boyfriend, i somehow still strongly believe that i need to save my very own dignity. it’s probably the only one i’ve got left. my heart have been ribbed out, my mind confuse and my soul is lost..

well, frankly speaking. the other day, i felt intruded, and i went to tears. he did not know the right reason, i didn’t want to break his spirit or his heart. all i did was to swallow how i felt deep inside, and wipe it with a smile. eventhough i felt terrible, i wanted to cry so badly and run away but i know noone is going to save me or run after me. i faced the music and bare my consequences.

somehow i know that my chances of him by my side in the long run is of 50-50 chance, if i were not to give in to what he actually is looking for in a relationship. i’m sorry but i’m sort off traditional, cause i would like to keep the last of me for marriage.

throughout my life, i’ve seen the worst for those women who have gave it away and i won’t want that to happen cause i would probably kill myself. and i’m not kidding.

i believe if you love someone, you will accept them for what they are and not change them.

well, if its meant to be will be..

i accept and understand if he leaves me, if he’s not able to respect me and my decision.

i’ve accept the fact that my past relationship of 7 years didn’t work because of it and i got cheated just because i’m saving it for the day.

i hope this time history won’t repeat itself.

the new book


I’m happy right now..

He makes me feel extra shit tons of awesomeness overflowing..

And I love him..

i’ve opened a new book, and kept the old one in the attic, praying that someday i might have the guts to burn it into ashes. however, i never have the intention of opening it back, or getting a new book..

i wish this book, i’m currently writing on will last forever. i want it to be first and last novel..

there’re too many first, being shared and i’m lucky to have him by my side.

he have shown me the world in the angle noone else have ever did. 

Only her personality?

Valentines Day Ideas And True Love Quotes Pictures (8)

We heard the crickets dances, as the dawn came breaking through the sky.

They held each other hand in hand, and the rest of the world seems small.

They felt the breeze passing by their skin.

Suddenly, they stopped..

He asked her, what does she made off them?

She questioned him back, what does this means to him and she didn’t want to assume anything that they are a thing when they are probably just out dating. On top of them, she wanted him to label them,

He stole a kiss from her, and she knew that this is a new beginning..

Their lips touched, tongue got twisted by one another, the small pecks on the necks.

She felt that she was in cloud nine..

She want to hug him tight all day long..

Somehow in the back her head, she still wonders where she stands..

Cause he said he like her personality..

What if someday, she ran out of questions to ask and things to say, there’s nothing new to try out..

Would he still be by her side, or would he be long gone even before she held that last hug

She is still hurt..

She is still unsure..

Where will he take her..

Will she be broken again..