letting it go..

I’m sitting here in your old school campus, and you came across my mind.

it has been years since I last heard your voice, see your face or even text you. I guess you have just left the face of the earth, not even google search is working when I randomly wonder how you are and look for you.

I don’t deny that I missed you, but I just have to let it all go. I cant no longer have a part of me looking out there and missing you. I’m moving on…

I have chosen to live my life without you, and not hoping for any we or whatever that is gotta do with you anymore.

You broke me into piece five years back, and it crushed me badly. You have held my heart for seven to eight years prior to crushing it.

I don’t know what I did wrong. Was working for our future, and not spending much more time with you wrong? When I was present for your competitions, did your photoshoots during your peak season, cooking for your whatever your craving was, making time and adjusting my day off with yours. Taking in you grumpy and cranky days aside, even when you make me cry inside. I guess I just wasn’t good enough.

when I was taking all my courage to move forward, you held me back saying about all the ‘what if’s’

the possibility of me being with you after you broke my heart and you were engaged, is a big no. I know how hurtful it was when you went away with her, and I don’t want to be her and take you away from her. If we were meant to be, we will be. But I’m not gonna fight for you or wait for you to get back into my arms. I was taken aback when you told me to leave the person I was just started dating a year after you left me.

you had the whole year to get to me when you didn’t. you just let me deal with my broken heart. and in that year you got engaged, and I took my courage to meet someone, I used to call him someone I’m seeing, later it’s my boyfriend and now it’s my fiance and in less than 225 days I will be his wife.

why did you say those words to me, ‘what if, we were the ones getting married, it would be easier.’ For years, we were planning and bringing ideas of how the perfect wedding would be and we will get married when we are thirty. But you are the one who backed out from the picture, leaving me alone out in the cold.

I didn’t want to care what was going through, all I know what you broke my heart, I didn’t want to be the third party in your new relationship and we were over.

today, I made the hard decision on deleting your album in my portfolio. You were a huge part of my life, my photography portfolio started from you and it ended from you too. The one who shattered my heart into pieces.

I got to move on, even though at times I wonder why. i’m telling myself that this all gotta stop, cause i wanna be happy with my future husband.

Farewell Han, hope we’ll never meet again.

 

it’s just too many things to be completed in a short period of time, and i almost dropped dead.

i can’t remembered how many times, i’ve wanted to die or just simply the thought of me dying. and being scolded by him on my negative thoughts and that he’ll be truly devastated if i were to die at this very moment. moreover the intention of killing myself was included. unless st. gabriel would take me away without me having to attempt suicide.

i was suicidal before, but my parents don’t really know the emotions and feelings i’ve inside. people may see that we are all doing pretty okay, a happy family and a group of people who can go hand in hand together.

however somehow, i feel like an outcast. that child, whom parents will always have the last choice or just another person who just stays in the house. practically the child who wasn’t meant to be.

but i’m not able to tell them how i feel, cause whenever i do, they would shoot me down and note that i’m just there seeking attention. therefore, i believe it’s best to keep things to myself. my thoughts are just not important and irrelevant to them.

i somehow managed i shut up to avoid conflicts and any further urges to kill myself.

this year, has been a turning year and all my emotions, feelings and thoughts somehow managed to come out after i met him. he changed my life. i used to cry alone, and i thought i was alright doing that but having someone to wipe away my tears, assuring me that i’ll be okay and he’ll hold my hand. it practically made me cried harder. but somewhat it make me feel better.

however, i still feel scared if someday i’ll wake up from this dream and the old nightmare will begin once again,,

 

 

 

he have made me cried once, but wipe my tears a million times. hold me close, when i felt so far. held my hands, when i wanted to let go.

there are things he have done, that i never thought and expected him to do. some made me happy, some made me sad and disappointed, and there were some that made me question myself.

we have planned things, some have passed, some for the present and some for the future. however, we will see what the future holds for us. we can plan whatever we want, but the future will show us all.

all i know is that, i’m done starting things all over again and i deeply hope that this will last till the end of time.

it probably sounds mushy and naive, but it is true. starting something new is not my cup of tea, i don’t really like change unless its a good change,

under the stars, i looked into your eyes and see the sparks in them. somehow, i wanna hold you close and never wanna let go. hoping that the night would not end. you mean a lot to me and i don’t know how i could i fell so deeply for you.

i just wanna lay by your side, hearing your heat beating under stars. it would be the lullaby to my sleep..

thank you my wrestler.

went to a wedding, where i know both bride and groom for quite sometime. they have made and also helped me went through a few obstacles in my life. i’m amazed on how far they have gone on being in a mutual relationship for 8 years, before they tied the knot today.

it triggered me, that it would have been or what if it happen, when i saw his friend being one of the groomsman. i felt detached from the from the whole event. i didn’t thought that the bits and pieces of the past would be still lingering around the present.

my heart wasn’t longing and wondering of the past, and i’m sort of glad that the past is the past and i’m making a new future plans with my wrestler, and not the bodybuilder.

i able to say, i’m much more happier now from what i was before, wondering and hoping of things which are uncertain. we could have planned a lot of things in the past, which venue to have the wedding, how the wedding would be and what is my dress and how my ring is, but if we didn’t even start anything major and it simply means nothing. i could simply say we are friends, bringing ideas together.

but now, it’s not about the wedding, the dress or rock on the ring. i guess being older, made me much wiser. it’s the meaning of the wedding not all the other stuffs. i’m very sure that my guest will just include close family members and just a number of friends.

here, i’m with someone whom i taking a huge step with. every date i have with him is spontaneous. there were a few dates, which made us even more intimate than people who are sleeping with each other. i’m looking forward to the future, where next year would probably be a trip overseas and opening up a shared account

i’m happy, thankful for what 2015 have brought to me.

when the truth hurts..

I don’t know what I should feel anymore, I was really hurt on what he said. It was a deal breaker, and I felt that I should end all these feeling and not bringing it forward if he wasn’t able to accept for how I am.

If a person were to love me on the inside, but it’s always been a sore eyes in the outside. I guess at the end of the day nothing would change.

I put my heart on the sleeve and it was already broken.

I was left speechless, and sat there crying at the remark that was given to me. I was already trying to put myself together from what that had happened on the other side of my life. And I wasn’t sure how to react to what he said, only to let the tears fall.

At that moment, I was feeling everything at once. I was angry, sad and happy at the same time. Angry at myself, to let myself fall so hard. Sad at what he said, and happy that he told me the truth.

I felt numb.

I knew I had nowhere else to go, except to shut myself out from the world.

But seeing him cry, knowing that the truth was the best for me. I wipe my tears and hold on to whatever I can.

He was truthful, but hurtful.

Somehow we managed through it..

maybe in time..

Its been awhile..

I’m a little disappointed, by being introduced in a way I was just did. It is sort of hurtful.

But actions and words were rather contradicting. Well..

I’ve accepted the fact that of how much I really mean to him when he didn’t turn up for my first Crossfit Competition. And yes, I’m broken knowing that I only mean so much to him.

I resigned, whatever come comes..

Tonight, I’m putting my emotions aside to celebrate his birthday with him. Probably giving myself up, and let things just be how it will be.

Although, I’m tired, I wanna put it all aside cause I’m starting to fall deeply for him and I want to make him happy. Even though I know that I’m giving up on things which that there will be no turning back.

Tonight will be his night. It is the first, or maybe it will be last.

It is just me letting things falling to place.

how long would this take?

and she let all her guard down, as he convinced her that he’ll be her light no matter what it takes. he’ll be there to wipe her tears, and hold her cold hands in his and kept her warm. she tore down her wall, leaving nothing else to guard her. she left her heart out in the open, and was confident that he’ll take good care of it. 

she was the one who used to smile like no other, and no one saw that she had build the great wall of china surrounding her. she’s her own warrior and she fought her own battle. 

however, her bones got weak and she can barely hold on to those walls. 

she cried even harder, and it last longer throughout the night. she hoping her heart would stop, and at least die behind her wall of honor. moreover no one would know who she really is, and so they’ll pain a beautiful picture of her instead of just a plain canvas splashed with black paint.

there’re too many horror stories that made her who she is. she was left out there in the blistering winter, with little to keep her warm and her heart was eaten out of her.

somehow she wished that she was back at where she was, before she was broken. she did hope things will come around.

it was far too long to wait, but she still kept her heart out there only for the touch of snow which made her build up those walls.

suddenly a pair of warm harm went through the walls and hold on to her. he made her break the walls, throw away her mask and wiped off those tears and blood away from her. he made her felt whole, as if she wasn’t broken at all.

 he showed her the light which was far long gone, and that she thought she would never see it before.. 

she believed that tearing down the walls would be the best thing, as she was naive for the warm and light that she had a touch of. 

that wall which was built for her past mistakes, waiting in the dark for 7 years and hoping that things might get better someday. she scarifies too much within the years, somehow she never did gave up. she believed that good things takes time. and so it time she said to herself.. 

that day did came, but it was too late. the one she was hoping for to come back, walked away and will not ever return. she kept all her emotions inside and walked the other direction. somehow, at the back of her head and the bottom of her heart, she hopes it will come around and chase after her.

and so she kept walking while building her wall. as the day past her hope wears thin..

she met someone, who tore down the walls..

someone she has a feeling that she is back to where she was. however, she kept telling herself its a phase and somehow it will go away. a part of her believe that he’ll come around when everything is settled down, however a part of her questioned till when will it be. she lost 7 years of herself, how long would this take?

and deep inside you cried..

sometimes, you questioned yourself if it’s worth it all to take your chances. it is just a phase that will fade soon, or will be forever?

you closed your eyes, trying to find your inner mind and seek the peace from within. trying your very best not to think that you’re hurt. and so shut off..

you’re scare to leave, cause you have tore all your wall down and there’s no protection left to save you from this war. the only thing you can do is surrender and scarified yourself and your heart.

however you question where you should be, when now you feel you’re left behind and became an option most of the time.

it hurts you that once things are getting comfortable, you are being taken easy because they know that you won’t run away and you’ve nowhere else to go except to stay here.

i breaks your heart when simple things aren’t a ritual anymore. you treasure those doings, but somehow you got a feeling it will not happen anymore in the future.

things are changing, and it pains you..

when you’re willing to give up your life away for them, but they are not..

somehow you wonder where you stand..

i’m drowning..

sometimes you just have to shut up, and walk away. people will never stop trying to break your heart and hurt your feelings. you turned out to being the rag doll, pushed around everywhere.

i never did get my head around on understanding why i put up with being hurt over and over again. moreover, they know it hurt me, they never stop their action however kept on doing it over and over again. i’m tired of repeating myself like a voice recorder being played on repeat.

somehow, i’ve learn to master the skill of shut up, shut the door and shut the mind. i’ve realized that people who truly know you will always push your limit, on how much more you can tolerate them, till when your bomb will trigger and explode. moreover, you won’t explode because you know that you’ve nowhere else except here with them. therefore, you’ve gotta tolerate with every shit they put you in.

i tried to stay calm and be the best i can to avoid any fights, it cause me to have a war in my mind which no one understand. there’s a darkness that always lurks between the light, and it never fails to break me from within.

the battle that i fight everyday, is deep within me. i don’t always win, or do i always lose.

nobody wants to lose, but we are not always that strong to fight a war on our own. it’s barely impossible to even get a knight to swipe off the enemies, because it’s your own battle. no one is gonna save you, if you are not able to save yourself.

i used to let the blood flow out of the veins, and let the pain out. seeing the blood oozing out from broken vein, that sharp twitch on the open wound. the pain leaves the heart and mind, as soon as you see the blood flow down your hands. you stare at it, till the blood get darker and the trail of blood dried up on your pale skin. you wipe tears, like you’re wiping the pain. but the truth is that the pain never did really leaves

i used to burn, burn and let the lungs cry for help. the air filled with smoke and eyes get watery. even though, there’re people around burning as well, but somehow deep inside you still feel lonely. and you never stop burning, as it somewhat gave you a meaning to share the loneliness with the others who are feeling lost around you.

i used to dance with led lights, and let my mind take me somewhere else. making myself light, and heavy at the same time. holding hands with people who are trying to escape the world. yes, we did went higher than the clouds, but when we fell, we fell hard to the ground. till today one of them is stuck in the shadows, behind the walls of earth. only time will let him out. we miss him..

the endless battles, war and fight is from deep within until the day i could find peace and harmony, i will continue to be strong till someday if i get i to see the light at the end of the tunnel i might be calm one like i was. hopefully i’ll be there to see the joy and happiness that was once in my life, and put back a smile in my heart. before i weathers and the darkness and cold feed on me.

just another day..

Its been awhile, the load is getting heavier for the ATF 2015 Throwdown. Its my first Crossfit Competition in the Open, and its being all paid for from my coach. I would like to thank her, on helping me to push my limits and Asyraf for believing me that I can. Thanks to my Wrestler, for helping me to train up for it and every kiss after every workout done made me want to do better. Thanks to my WOD partner, for making me push myself to be a better person, and not the person I wanna to be, and take chances and not to put excuses. When there’s a will, there’s a way. Even if you’re sick, there’s no reason for you to stop doing crossfit. You just have to drop the level of intensity lower.

I’m weeks out from the challenge, and I’m confident enough that I’m able to do them. Therefore, I’m doing my best to be best and the top view.

Besides being busy from Monday to Sunday, can literally kill me. For all that’s worth, it will pay back big time soon! Hopefully, the tension will gradually decrease after the Throwdown, which is also after the Wrestling matches. However, I would not stop the training as I need to be prepare for whatever throwdown there will be in the future.

I’m glad and blessed that I’ve someone who is able to coach me, push up higher, make me work harder and hold my hands at the same time.

I can’t deny that have fallen deeply to him, that it made me pull down all the walls I ever have. I’m baring it all to him, cause I feel that its the best for me. Here, there are no games, no hinting but just straight forwardness. I like how generally insane I can be towards him, and how he can be towards me.

We will see rainbows, while we are holding hands..